Look! It's a thingy!

A few months ago or some such Glenn told me to do this thing. So here we go!

1. Popcorn or candy?

I'm not a big food-buying person at the movies- it's too expensive. If I'm going to take food in I'll usually buy a hot lunch and take it in hidden in a backpack. Shhhh! But if I had to choose, I'd buy Maltesers or something- popcorn makes me too thirsty.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.

Plan Nine from Outer Space! I rewatched Ed Wood the other week, and have never seen one of the man's films! Worse still, I've owned three of his DVDs for about eight years now or something. It was eight bucks for three of them (Plan Nine and two others, I forget which) so I had to get them.

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar: Who loses theirs and to whom?

Man, just one? I'd take back all of Crash's, especially the one it stole from Match Point. And I'll also go back a few years and stop Finding Neverland's dull-as-fuck score from stealing Thomas Newman's fantastic work on Lemony Snicket. I'd probably take away all of Neverland's nominations, actually, because that film shat me.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. Which will it be?

Donnie Darko's Halloween costume is pretty hardcore cool. Not for wearing in day-to-day life, though... Perhaps if I'm feeling formal, I could be a member of Kill Bill Volume One's Crazy 88. Those dudes dress swanky.

Maybe Carrie's prom dress. POST pig's blood.

5. Your favorite film franchise is...

The American Pie franchise was looking a bit dicey, but then Band Camp came along and HIT IT OUT OF THE PARK. And now there's a fifth one coming! HUZZAH!

Only, not really. Seriously, they are doing a fifth one. Why? WHY?

Lord of the Rings is pretty high up there, if only for the fact that it didn't falter; almost every other franchise has at least one dud. They need to release the other two Night Watch movies here, too, so I can see how that stands up. Crazy Russian subtitles are awesome. Is the third one even finished yet, though?

6. Invite five movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them?

- Kate Winslet, because of all her awesome. Can someone have more awesome? She's talented, funny, not a famewhore, and she's real purdy. And she delivered some of television's finest ever comedy when she appeared on Extras.

- Paul Thomas Anderson. As well as trying to tap his talent, together we can plot the death of Paul WS Anderson- the EVIL Paul Anderson.

- Charlie Kaufman. I wonder if he's as insane as his scripts suggest he is? We'll find out.

- Joss Whedon, because yes, I'm one of those. I'll die before calling myself a Browncoat, though. Browncoats freak me out. Seriously, they're like "I have my special Serenity with a slipcase cover, and I have the regular version which I'll keep for mint, and I also imported it from America even though that edition has fewer features, and next week the one I ordered from Belgium should be here!" WHY??? But really, Joss is a funny, funny clever man who will take me under his wing or at least give me advice. Or I will destroy him.

- Jon Brion. He can play music to entertain us, if he feels like it. Or if he wants to be fed. Plus PT will have someone else to talk to.

And we're having nachos. I make fantastic nachos.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?

They should be punished by all people in the cinema, the manner of punishment depending on how far away the people are sitting from the talker. So the people furthest away, they only get to administer a nipple cripple upon the the talker. Closer to him or her (and let's face it, it's most likely a him) they get to kick the talker in the head. Closer still, the innocent movie patrons are given tasers, to use at their leisure. For those really close, they get to get all Hostel on the fucker.

8. Choose a female bodyguard: Ripley from Aliens. Mystique from X-Men. Sarah Connor from Terminator 2. The Bride from Kill Bill. Mace from Strange Days.

The Bride, probably, because she'll fight dirty, AND she's way sassy. Although why not just get Mystique to look like the other four?

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie?

Other than, like, all of An Inconvienient Truth, you mean? I have trouble getting scared in movies. Suspiria freaked me out, but that was because of the absolutely insane soundtrack. There was another movie I saw at Toronto called S&Man. It's a documentary on the nature of horror movies but then it starts to get in your head and the ending really sticks with you. Really, truly. I hope it sees the light of day because people really should see this.

10. Your favorite genre (excluding comedy and drama) is?

Horror! Horror horror horror. Horror? For serious, though, no PG-13 slashers. It's been discussed before, but what's the point? If anything it's also worse because it's inviting eight year olds to see these movies where people get killed, and they get killed violently, we just don't see it! And then they do the fucking double-DVD-dip when they release the film "Unrated". Word of advise- generally we Aussies don't get a choice when a DVD gets released "Unrated". And in general we get the longer version, only it's called "Uncut", and it's got THE SAME RATING as the original release. Fuck that shit, man.

But also, I'm getting tired of gorenography. Gore for gore's sake? No thanks. I like gore but it is NOT a replacement for atmosphere. My favourite horror movies of late are the ones that make me sad. Wolf Creek made me sad. You like the characters getting killed, they aren't just fodder. Shit, even the UK's Severance was sort of upsetting, and that was a horror-comedy! Now that shows talent.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power?

Whole lotta horror. BUT there are conditions. As mentioned above, no PG-13 shit, unless it's a ghost story that doesn't need blood or sex or swears. And also nothing that replaces atmosphere with blood, because atmosphere is always better. Lucky McKee will get a movie actually distributed to cinemas. Although Angela Bettis has to feature heavily, because those two work fantastically together.

I'd also be greenlighting some (many!) indie comedies, because I'm a sucker for those things. Also one or two mainstream ones, preferably directed by Judd Apatow. Nothing by any dickhead who has ever directed an Adam Sandler movie, or that Wedding Crashers wanker, he can go away. And I'm not going to ban members of the Frat Pack, exactly, but they're not allowed to do anything self indulgent. Which is pretty much as effective as a ban, I guess. Those guys are capable of being funny but it seems they'd much rather just appear on camera having a good time that no member of the audience is allowed in on.

Finally, I'd greenlight a bunch of Australian genre flicks. And I'd give them a decent budget. Not a stupid amount, but enough. The horror rules above still apply.

12. Bonnie or Clyde?

I've never seen it! I know that's awful. I'll say Bonnie, because Faye Dunaway was pretty great in Chinatown. Although it should be noted that Warren Beatty has this hilariously full of shit thread at the IMDb. Check poster's history, she just posts at the pages of Beatty and his movies and costars. The best part is, I don't think she's just bored and making it up, I think she's a legitimately crazy person. That's always more fun.

13. Who are you tagging to answer this survey?

If anyone read this thing who hasn't been tagged already then I'd be putting their names here. But that doesn't happen!

Wherein Simon Invites Goths and Emos to Beat Him Up

The Nightmare Before Christmas... I have to say...

...I don't get it.

Last night, when I should have been finishing my two essays, I saw the movie in 3D. If you're wondering, one of the essays is now finished, the other one contains a wholly answered question but falls short of the word limit by a few hundred of the little bastards, so I have to wank them in there somehow. So there was guilt involved, while seeing the movie. Quickly replaced by a sense of "huh?"

It's not AWFUL. It's cute. It's got spirit- you can feel the hard work that went in there by all the members of production who wholly believed in what they were doing. I appreciate that they've really gone pretty dark for a film that only just deserves its PG rating. The animation, obviously painstakingly done, is pretty gorgeous, especially when Oogie Boogie's underground lair goes all glowy.

But why is Jack Skellington on t-shirts and backpacks and hats and keyrings and everything else that'll fit a Disney logo on it? Why is it a sign of pride amongst so many of the young folk, asks this twenty one year old? One dickhead from Fallout Boy says "YAY NIGHTMARE!" and BOOM, it happens? I thought the Nightmare phenomenon predated that group's (unexplainable) popularity.

I know picking apart the romance plot of a kid's film is sort of stupid, but hopefully admitting that now will save embarrassment later. It's from 1993, so I'm not going to get all worried about spoilers, plus you know it'll end happy even if it is xCoRe DARK. So, Sally, we're led to believe, is pretty much held prisoner by wheelchair dude all her life, but loves Jack from afar. And then she escapes! And she gives him a flower or something! And then somehow he knows her name later on but just speaks to her like any girl from town... and then later he realises he loves her and they kiss on that curly hill thing. I... the... wha? Could there have been a scene where they... talk? Where wheelchair guy says "Okay, you can be free" maybe, and then Sally says "Hey Jack! I gave you those roses earlier?" There are scenes missing here!

The Corpse Bride, that worked. Not a complicated romance, but one that flowed. Jack and Sally, that didn't flow. At least throw in some conflict, more than just "hey, I didn't really notice you all that much before, but come to think of it, I want to spend the rest of my life with you!"

The Christmas stuff, the misunderstanding about the holiday, that was cute. Not hilarious, not jawdropping, but cute. Cute I can deal with here. The songs, on the whole, pretty unspectacular. This came out at around the same time as Aladdin and The Lion King, and the songs there were on the whole much catchier.

And yes, this was the first time I had seen it, and I should add that I do normally like Burton's stuff. Ed Wood's pretty genius, and the Corpse Bride was fun, and Sleepy Hollow is an old favourite, and so on and so on and so on. I even really enjoy Mars Attacks!

I don't know, I guess the comparison to The Corpse Bride didn't serve the film well. I know that people generally seem to prefer Nightmare, but The Corpse Bride felt, to me, like a classic story being told pretty well. Nightmare was, on the whole, sort of messy.

I'm serious, though, someone explain what I missed. Because I must have missed something.

That wasn't written like a review, but I'm going to give it a score anyway.

6/10

On the 3D size of things, it was... decent. Impressive, considering it's not a film originally designed for 3D, althought I think I would have preferred to see a film that as designed for it, because that could have utilized the medium more.

Seventeen dollars, though.

Seventeen dollars!

Movies are too expensive in this country as it is. As a student I normally pay around eleven bucks. An adult will pay around fourteen. I know our dollar isn't worth that much but we're still paying through the nose. If you want to see a 3D movie, though, and you want to see it with those glasses that break really, really easily, you've got to empty out your wallet something shocking. Seventeen dollars is the adult price, which is what I paid because they don't offer student tickets to 3D movies. Why? Because they're fuckwits.

Apparently only children want to see 3D films, so they get their discounted tickets, and then they have to take their parents with them. Which, you know... the kids aren't paying anyway, why do they deserve a discount? I don't get the time to earn much money because I'm out BEING A STUDENT so give me my damn concession rate! No parent is paying for my tickets! Especially since I'm studying to, hopefully, make the cinematic world a better one. Maybe, maybe maybe, I hope. That's the aim. Right now. If I'm lucky. If God exists, and likes me. (Which, for the record, He probably doesn't, and if He did, He probably wouldn't.)

The point is, though, 3D is a novelty that's not worth paying that much for. It's half a ticket more, pretty much, and I'd rather just be able to see more movies.

Now to finish off, I'm going to depress you, using my good friends at Flixster, a site I keep returning to for reasons I can't for the life of me explain.



Basically what we have here is the Flixster movie quiz, where people can ask their own questions and then you answer and get points. Maybe there will be a picture of Johnny Depp. Next to it is the question "Who is this acter from Pirats of the Caribeen and Pirats of the Carribeen 2?" And then you've got to choose from a list. There used to be questions where you actually had to type in an answer; I guess that got too difficult.

The upshot of these pictures is, more people know the name of Nicholas Cage's fucking car in fucking Gone in 60 Seconds But It Feels More Like 18 Hours than who starred in Some Like It Hot. More than that, a significant number of people believe that Paris Hilton starred in Some Like It Hot.

To quote Sarah Silverman, WHAT THE COCK IS THAT SHIT?

For the record, I guessed the Gone in 60 Seconds answer, that's the only reason it's correct.

Anyway, I'm going to go suicide now, because really, there's no more point, is there?

University is the Devil

The university year is this close to being over, I can feel it. Just two more essays to hand in and an exam and it's all done. Yesterday I had sixty percent of my film subject due, including but not limited to: a short film script adapted from a short story (I did Chuck Palahniuk's "Obsolete", if you're wondering), this shitty sound design piece, and a group pitch of a short film where a couple of the group members I had complained about a whole bunch made a surprisingly good, if thematically iffy, poster, with a big giant spelling error on it. Fantastic. So many stories about that group assignment, so little time to tell them.

One of the essays is a sociology one, and the question I chose involved choosing a paranormal movie or TV show and explaining what it says about female power. So, I chose Carrie. Because Carrie is fantastic. I've watched the prom scene about five times this week; it's insane and it gets sadder every single time.

So I meet with my tutor about the essay, and I tell her, I'm doing Carrie. So she goes to get out her materials for the Sex and the City question. Easy mistake to make, I guess, considering how much that show has been talked about in this class: far too much. Then it turns out that she hasn't the fuck HEARD of Carrie. My first thought was "who hasn't heard of Carrie?" I know it's not famous like, say, Casablanca or something, but I thought it was on par with maybe The Texas Chain Saw Massacre in terms of recognition. "You know, the one with the girl, and she's got telekinetic powers, and they pour pig's blood on her at the prom...?"

Nothing!

And Carrie is even MENTIONED in one of the readings, and this tutor is supposed to be a feminist, and I can't think of a horror movie a feminist could find more to talk about in! It's effing madness.

Also effing madness is The Core, which I just half-saw half of (while I was essaying away) as it was on TV. I don't understand why this movie isn't way more of a cult comedy. Some scientists travel to the Earth's core in some crazy heat resistant drill-car-thing because the core stopped rotating. So they go to make it rotate. And then (OMG SPOILER!!!!) they get rescued by whales in the end. Really, really fake CG whales. And Aaron Eckhart and Aaron Eckhart's chin overracts a bunch when one of the token ethnics bites it. And yells at Hilary Swank.

So I looked it up, of course, and the DVD has a director's commentary, so now I have to hire it out, because what the fuck can he say about this movie? "Oh, DJ Qualls really owned this scene. Those tears? Those tears are real. Jesus Christ, he does have a big nose, doesn't he? It's bigger on camera, you don't notice it quite so much in real life."

"Oh, on this day we had a little trouble because Swank wouldn't come out of her trailer. Apparently she was in there quietly weeping and stroking her Oscar, saying something about it not being as easy as Halle Berry had told her. But I sent a runner in to remind her about her paycheck and she came out and she fricking gave it her all."

But them the folks at my local Blockbuster might think I'm hiring it for non-ironic purposes. It's a dilemma.

Anyway earlier I mentioned that I wrote an adaptation of Chuck Palahniuk's "Obsolete" from his novel "Haunted". Here's someone else's try at it, or, as I like to call it, How to Overuse a Narration. Seriously, dude, show, don't tell.

Although I also found a pretty fantastic short called Still Life, so the world of student-made messed up shit is still alive and kicking and it has some skill.